Dare to Dream

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Dare to Dream

"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
- Anais Nin

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe."
- Anatole France

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."
- Goethe

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character."
- Henry David Thoreau

Do you hold the key to your dreams?

Bleach: Episode 263

biography

I am Cai Biyuan, 24 years old.
I am currently studying in Republic Polytechnic, for a Diploma in Game Design.
It is one of my passions in life, that drives me on.

I wanted to be a soccer player.
I wanted to be a musician.
I want to be a game designer.

I am still looking for the sign,
that will enlighten me, and tell me who I am supposed to be,
what I am supposed to achieve in this life.

bibliography

Christian Gospel Mission Kindergarten (1989-1990)
Bukit Panjang Primary School (1991-1996)
Swiss Cottage Secondary School (1997-2001)
Yishun Junior College (2002-2003)
Nanyang Technological University (2006-2008)
Republic Polytechnic (2009-Present)

favourites

Sports: Soccer, Bowling, Table Tennis, Badminton, Tennis
Soccer Club: Leicester City (English Championship 2009/10)
Hobbies: Reading novels, watching animes, programming, playing computer games
Computer games: World of Warcraft, Counter-Strike, Unreal Tournament, Final Fantasy VII-VIII-X
Anime: Bleach

Chinese singers/bands: 周杰伦 Jay Chou, 五月天 Mayday, 周华健 Emil Chau, 陶喆 David Tao, 王力宏 Wang Li-Hom,
陈晓东 Daniel Chan, 张信哲 Jeff Chang, 呂建中 Tank Lu, B.A.D., 南拳妈妈, 林俊杰 JJ Lin

English singers/bands: Chris Brown, Secondhand Serenade, Backstreet Boys, A1, Westlife, T.I, Justin Timberlake
Linkin Park, Daughtry, David Cook, Kelly Clarkson, Blue, Eminem, Avril Lavigne, 5ive, Simple Plan

Chinese songs: 01. 周杰伦 - 擱淺 (2004)                    | 06. 周杰伦 - 楓 (2005)
                          02. 呂建中 - 如果我變成回憶 (2009)  | 07. 五月天 - 倔强 (2004)
                          03. 五月天 - 超人 (2004)                    | 08. 林俊杰 - 一千年以后 (2005)
                          04. 王力宏 - 流泪手心 (1999)             | 09. 陈晓东 - 風一樣的男子 (1999)
                          05. 周华健 - 讓我歡喜讓我憂 (1991)  | 10. 陶喆 - 愛很簡單 (1997)

English songs: 01. 5ive - Closer to Me (2001)                           | 06. Daughtry - Home (2007)
                        02. A1 - Everytime (1999)                                  | 07. Backstreet Boys - Don't Wanna Lose You Now (1999)
                        03. Secondhand Serenade - Your Call (2008)  | 08. David Cook - Permanent (2008)
                        04. Simple Plan - Save You (2008)                    | 09. Backstreet Boys - Spanish Eyes (1999)
                        05. Westlife - If I Let You Go (1999)                  | 10. Avril Lavigne - I'm With You (2002)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Weeping silently in bed in the middle of the night.

it's 3:08 AM now

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Monday, March 12, 2012

Today More Than Yesterday
(I do) Can you look at one person for the rest of your life?
(I do) Can you care for someone else more than you do yourself?
(I do) I can answer whoever asks me
(I do) You, you're my love

I will not promise you
If I knew I was going to waver, even for a little bit
I won't start anything, if I know that the heart can heal itself

I love you more than I did yesterday
I have never met someone so important and precious to me
That it hurts, to meet you
To feel this happiness
I must deal with a lot of pain

When the days are hard, it gets sad
The pain that causes the tears to come
It will end someday
The only thing that is endless is our love

I love you more than I did yesterday
I have never met someone so important and precious to me
That it hurts, to meet you
To feel this happiness
I must deal with a lot of pain

I don't want to do this ever again
Breaking up, unless it's a break-up to meet you once more
Whenever and forever

Because it feels like my overwhelming heart will explode
Because I think the person before my eyes isn't really you
I run, and embrace the breathing you
I am the idiot, who let go of his worries

I love you more than I did yesterday
I have never met someone so important and precious to me
That it hurts, to meet you
To feel this happiness
I must deal with a lot of pain

it's 11:16 PM now

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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Love is a beautiful thing, a powerful force that can move mountains. I do not know if I can consider this unlucky, but love has always been around me, but never nearly on me. I slowly see people around me, people who used to be my classmates who we shared jokes and studied together, get married; and here I am, still seeking my next step into the games industry and haven't exactly been attached before.

Back in primary school, it was thought that love meant playing pranks on each other. Maybe love is too serious a word... 'like' is probably the better term. It is funny how feelings come about; barely knowing her existence until one (fortunate?) day when we somehow got paired as a couple by the class, even though I hardly know her. That was the day I realized her as a being (however wierd it sounds), and as the rumours persisted, feelings grew. I wanted to be around her, even if it was looking at her playing 5 stones (or disturbing her rather). I got called up to the front of the class for it; at the time, I thought it was all in fun, but apparently the girls did not like it. I never really talked to her to this day, not alone. I did not even dare to pass her the 'memento book' to write her thoughts; I had to slip it under her desk when no one was around. Thinking back, it was probably what they call 'puppy love', if it can be called that. I do not think I even knew what romantic love was back then.

In secondary school, the first year was pretty calm. New to the surroundings, I was pretty hardworking, active in my Boys' Brigade duties (even though I was somewhat tricked into joining, but now I feel it built me up) and studious in my work (somewhat). In year 2, I 'found' her. I talked about her in one of my previous posts, but even though we had been in the same class for the first year, she was just another girl in class (out of 16). It was not that way after year 2. Feelings grew from a bud and became a jungle (don't think it made sense but...). I was madly in love, and wanted to spend every waking moment with her; even if it was in my most hated Arts class, even if it was accompanying her until Yew Tee MRT station and then taking the looping bus 307 home.

I always wondered why we were never a couple. Truth be told, I never asked her, but I did tell her I liked her. If I asked, would things change? Would we have been together, or would things be awkward after? I would not mind if we were not together, but if it became awkward after, I would have been devastated. A long 7 years passed after graduation before I finally moved on, but up to now, she is still as beautiful as she was back then (if a bit taller now). It felt like she never changed.

Junior College was a blur to me. For one, it was too short; one and a half years does not leave too much time for memory. Ironically, these friends are the ones that have been closest to me since, making it a point to meet up at least twice every year, and keeping in contact through MSN or email. We were a small class of 11 people, so I guess that helped with the bonding. I missed the first 3 months, which people said was a honeymoon period but I thought those were crucial in fitting in. Therefore, half the time, I was playing catch-up. Coupled that with me still rue-ing not being able to appeal into PJC to try and see her again, meant I was not paying attention 90% of the time. I went into a relationship, but in retrospect, I should not have, for I totally let her down. I won't even call it a relationship really, for my heart was never in it. In the short 6 months, we only went out twice, and neither was initiated by me. To now, I still think I could have done much more.

All the above things moulded my way of thinking about love now. I used to think love was simple, but now, I find it impossible to grasp. If there was a module for it, I would most certainly get an F for it. I do not want to jump into relationships now, without putting thought into it. Even as I say this, I think I might have been single for too long, for I will feel uncomfortable if I have to accommodate someone else's tempo now. I don't think I have ever been a patient man in terms of waiting, and I have a feeling I will need to get used to it if I do get into a relationship. I am also not really the observant type (in terms of knowing what the other is thinking) and I need to work on that too.

it's 8:31 PM now

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Saturday, January 7, 2012

First post of the new year (imminent doom incoming?)

Had a hectic week or two, and I am really exhausted, though in a good way. First, my team and I had to rush to complete our analog game on time (codename Railway Magnate). Personally, I feel that it turned out really well, even though it is a tad similar to Monopoly Deal. The reason is because it is quite balanced for the amount of time we have put into the design of the game. Almost everything works the way it should, nothing seems too overpowered and we have had a lot of very close and exciting games even though one seemingly had a clear advantage. With more time and some additional layers into the game, I am pretty sure the game will be a hit (Farah already likes it a lot).

Secondly, I had to rush out the Character Design UT2 sketches and final composition. I made no secret of it, but I -absolutely- hate drawing, therefore I was not too enthusiastic about the assignment. I am not really happy with the final deliverable, but I probably had no choice, since I do not think I can draw any better. I might be able to fill it up better, but I do not think the quality can be improved exponentially.

Thirdly, I was 'nominated' to be the Student Ambassador for my diploma. It is an honor, yet a chore at the same time, because I am never really enthusiastic about such events. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the event somewhat, and it gave me the opportunity to really fit in with the year 2s. It got a little frustrating though, when there were like 8 volunteers at the booth and still they wanted me to present to the secondary school students. I do not mind, but I feel it is just dumb. Anyway, got to know a senior who apparently was in the JIT internship, but I did not even notice her (apparently she only showed up 3 times). She looks pretty good when she cosplays.

How time flies. In another 5 weeks, I would have finished my course in RP, and would be preparing to move on to (hopefully) greater things. I hope to get into either LucasArts (as a programmer *shudders*) or Ubisoft (as a ... competitive games analyst? I have no idea what role I am). My plan is to work there part time until I enter SIM in July (hopefully with lots of credits and scholarship to boot), and then I will slog my way through a second University stint. I will miss the atmosphere here... my usual banter with Jeremy Kang, Shaun Tay and TC, my friendship with my course mates and doing games in a somewhat relaxed atmosphere. Thinking back, I really really enjoyed my time here, and although there were a few downs here, there were definitely more ups while I was here, even though I was striving to keep my grades as well as possible.

I really appreciated the help and guidance each and every facilitator in RP has given to me. They have helped me a lot, sometimes even at the expense of their time (Li-Chuan comes to mind, he has always been supportive of my endeavours and always looked out for me). I am also appreciative of the many good friends I have made during my time here, especially my FYP team mates (Cally, Cayden and Jenn, we made a kick-ass game!) and also my Analog Game UT2 team (Yana, Satria, Joel and Eileen, though we struggled early on, we managed to pull it off and we really rock). Of course, I am not going to forget my best buddies, Nevin, Loy, Wee Kiat, Farhan, Isaac, Swee Hoe and probably others I have forgotten to mention.

Before I sign off, I had to link this!
Blocktris was featured in the RP Facebook page!

it's 2:09 AM now

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Monday, December 26, 2011

I guess being the festive season, I should be really blogging about how good this holiday has been but...

I believe you will be perfectly fine without me in your life.
Nothing (much) will change, perhaps just a few (less) SMSes here and there.
I have my goals and aims, and you have yours.
I know this is not an excuse; people in love should be accommodating of each other.

More importantly, deep down inside, I know you will be well taken care of.
I've come to know (actually quite a while ago), I am not the only one.
So, one less will probably not make a difference.

If anything, I blame life.
I blame life for putting me into the same exact position every time I decide to have someone else in my life.
I blame life for making me who I am, backing off whenever my (close) friends decide to take the initiative.
I blame life for not letting me know you earlier, so that things might have been different.

I want to keep loving you forever; my heart so desires.
However, I cannot keep my heart in turmoil, especially when I have things undone.
The last one took me 7 years before I finally moved on; I don't know how long this will take.
The earlier I tear myself off, the earlier I can start the healing process.

It may not even matter to you, but...
You'll always have a special place in my heart.
Peace, and may you be blessed with a life full of love and care.
I am sorry I may not be able to fulfil my promise to you.

it's 5:12 AM now

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Songs

This section is dedicated to songs I've written, good or bad.
They are probably going to be 'emo' songs, because I like to write songs about my feelings.

I Don't Stand A Chance

I've never been the mainstream guy
Never been the one who stands out, from the crowd
I've never been the fall-back guy
Never been the one who makes you laugh, when you cry

I stand by your side and watch your every move
So I can be there when you fall down

I only wanna see you smile
Never wanna see the sky come down, in your world
I only wanna hear you laugh
Never wanna hear the thunderstorm, in your dream

It hurts me so much but I've to hide it from you
I hope you will forgive me, my dear

(chorus)
I know I don't stand a chance with you in this life
Wooooooo Woooooooo
I know it's hard but I still want you in my life
Wooooooo Woooooooo

It's falling apart, I'm falling deeper
Into the never-ending pit of love
It's one step too far, I cannot climb up
Now there's no way back for me, can't look back, oh no

(chorus)
I know I don't stand a chance with you in this life
Wooooooo Woooooooo
I know it's hard but I still want you in my life
Wooooooo Woooooooo

I know I should stop thinking of you here and now
Wooooooo Woooooooo
I know it's hard but I just can't live without you
Wooooooo Woooooooo

I know I don't stand a chance with you in this life
Wooooooo Woooooooo
I know it's hard but I still want you in my life
Wooooooo Woooooooo

Morality & Mortality

They always say that live and let live is the way to go (mm mm)
Yet why do countless people continue to die in the war
The blood and the tears fill the streets up with despair and pain (oh no)
We're stretched out so thin, we can't give aid to the truly needy (yea)

Why won't we stop taking the lives of the innocent?
Why can't we take a step back and breathe?

(chorus)
Draw from the past, learn from them
We don't have to make the same mistakes again
Time will tell, if we've won
History will hopefully not repeat itself

It's obvious to us that the rich are the ones getting richer (how does that work?)
But aren't the ones that needed help are the poor and the homeless
The filth and the stench fill their homes up with disease and pain (oh my)
They're stretched out so thin, they can barely make ends meet to stay alive

Why won't we start saving the lives of the innocent?
Why can't we take a step back and breathe?

(chorus)
Draw from the past, learn from them
We don't have to make the same mistakes again
Time will tell, if we've won
History will hopefully not repeat itself

Draw from the past, learn from them
We don't have to make the same mistakes again
Time will tell, if we've won
History will hopefully not repeat itself

Your Face

It's 8am, I just woke up
I start to think a lot about you
And I don't know if I could face
The day before me, without you here

I need a moment before I can start to move on

(chorus)
It is hard for me to show
Any emotions in front of you
So I keep them in my heart
And no one will ever know

Know how far I have fallen
Into a never-ending abyss
If I can ever climb up
All I can see is your face

It's past midnight, I lie in bed
I start to think about our past
And I don't know if I could stand
Another minute, without your love

I need to see you right now so I can stop this pain

(chorus)
It is hard for me to show
Any emotions in front of you
So I keep them deep inside
And no one will ever know

Know how far I have fallen
Into a never-ending daydream
If I can ever wake up
all i can see is your face
Your face, your face

I need to tell you how much you really mean to me, but

(chorus)
It is hard for me to show
Any emotions in front of you
So I keep them deep inside
And no one will ever know

Know how far I have fallen
Into a never-ending daydream
If I can ever wake up
All I can see is your face
Your face, your face

I wanna see your face
your face, your face

I will remember your face

Endless Time

Dance in the snow, flying in the wind
You are as free as petals in the air
Drawn to your smile, in love with your scent
I want to be with you to the end of time

(chorus)
Oh my dear, oh my dear
Can I tell you that I love you?
Oh my love, oh my love
Will you tell me you love me too?

~~ Interlude ~~

Bask in the sun, taking in the breeze
You are as calm as palm trees by the sea
Drawn to your gaze, in love with your touch
I hope you will be there til the end of time

(chorus)
Oh my dear, oh my dear
Can I tell you that I miss you?
Oh my love, oh my love
Will you tell me you miss me too?

Oh my dear, oh my dear
Can I tell you that I need you?
Oh my love, oh my love
Will you tell me you need me too?

Lying on the beach, looking at the stars
You were beside me, still as beautiful
I hold your hand, look into your eyes
Say I'll be with you til the end of time

Run and Hide

Baby you should take a look around
There's so many things for you to see
Don't run and hide

Baby you have many friends who care
Who will stop the time to make it right
Please come back home

(chorus)
And you've been hurting in all this time
Broken deep inside
But now is the time for you to show
I know you've come a long way since
You've been down and out
But now you're on the road again

Baby I don't care where you have been
I don't know how you may feel
Don't run and hide

Baby we can stop this happening
Only if you will let us know
Let us help you

(chorus)
And you've been hurting in all this time
Broken deep inside
But now is the time for you to show
I know you've come a long way since
You've been down and out
But now you're on the road again

Oh please God, allow me to find her soon
Let me lend her a helping hand
So she can stop

(chorus)
And she's been hurting in all this time
Broken deep inside
But now is the time for her to show
I know she's come a long way since
She's been down and out
But now she is on the road again

Don't run and hide
Don't run and hide

August Rain

When I was on the verge on breaking down
You were the only one who's on my side
You showed me love and helped to calm me down
I never thanked you for what you have done

The rain was coming down
You had to go back home
And now I have to face this world alone
Tell me

(chorus)
Why did you have to leave me here
Why won't you stay and be with me
Love is a never-ending road
And now I have to walk alone

I never told you I loved you
How I regret not doing so
As I looked up into the sky
That august rain is all that I see

This time last year I was still much alive
So glad and thankful that I still had you
We held on tight and hummed our favorite songs
Talked about how we were meant to be

The rain was coming down
You had to go back home
And now I have to face this world alone
Tell me

(chorus)
Why did you have to leave me here
Why won't you stay and be with me
Love is a never-ending road
And now I have to walk alone

I never told you I loved you
How I regret not doing so
As I looked up into the sky
That august rain is all that I see

That august rain is all that I see

The One

I had a dream last night
I was at the beach, stare into the sea
I saw a girl like you
Who came up to me and held out her hand

And then I ran away (and then I ran away)
And now I wish I could turn back

(chorus)
I was afraid I'm not the one
Who you belong to
I want to be the one you see
The one you kiss
Tonight

I saw you in the class
You were looking out of the window
You seemed to be in pain
Like you've been hurt so bad you stopped living

I want to talk to you (I want to talk to you)
But then I couldn't find my voice

(chorus)
I was afraid I'm not the one
Who you belong to
I want to be the one you see
The one you kiss
Today

I hope to be with you (I hope to be with you)
I guess I'll never see that day

(chorus)
I was afraid I'm not the one
Who you belong to
I want to be the one you see
The one you kiss
Right now